Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
