I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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