you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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