i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
