Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
