he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
