So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize