fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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