P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
