It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
