That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
