its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
