Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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