I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
