I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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