Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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