I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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