I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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