Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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