I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Can I color on your dick again?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
