doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
