My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
