ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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