this beer tastes like vomit already
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
