You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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