If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
