I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize