how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
