I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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