I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
