I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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