I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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