My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So much rum. So many feels.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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