do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
