so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
