Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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