New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
