How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my sisters under your porch take her home
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
