i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize