for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize