I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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