you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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