what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
