I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
