Betty ford says i'm here all night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I want her autograph on my taint
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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