Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
jump out the window naked night went bad
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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