lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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