i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
