I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
vagina is talking i cant
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
