new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize