would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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