I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
