checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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