dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
