Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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