I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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