I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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