i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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