i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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