I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
