can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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