one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
