the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
