1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
