My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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