Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
