Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
