I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I need water and some morals
I would fuck him just for his dog
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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